zapper-shhhh

I am a broken person.

Letter to someone I love so much.

I am so tired of your drug use. I am just so tired of being tired because you've kept me up all night accusing me of things yet at the same time we are happy because we spend time together.

I am tired of making excuses and pretending everything is fine. I am tired of holding this relationship together. I am tired of your reactions, your moods, your erupting anger yet i want to stay by your side.

I am tired of keeping this pain that I feel inside to myself. Living like every day is happy when everything is turmoil.

You need to fix the damage you've done. You need to try.

You tell people how I destroy you and drag you down. But I didn't mumble a word to anyone till today.

Everyone loves you unconditionally. Your drug use has broken my heart.

You lie to me, you accuse me, you torment me, you shout, you get so angry, you are sick, is the real you even there any more? Can I even be there ?

You are losing me, I do not want to see you lose another person again and the bright future?

You are the nicest person is just that this damn thing has taken over your body. I know deep down inside how kind your heart is.

I wonder where your mind is at, and how do I get there. I can't even imagine how a drug can make you think such ridiculous things and how it makes the paranoia a reality to you.

I'll never know, and I'll never understand. You leave me feeling on edge, walking around on empty shells, I am defensive and I lack trust in you, I constantly feel I have to justify myself. How is this fair?

Why do I have to feel like this. This isn't me. You know the feelings you get from this drug are a lie, its all fake, it turns you into a fake person.

I think what your doing is a very selfish thing. How can you do this to us? What makes your addiction so important?

Why are you able to escape with your drug use? Why is it okay for you to get away with someone to escape and leave me to carry on like nothing is wrong? Why is that OK?

Why do I even have to deal with any of this. I never asked for this life, it's not what I had planned. I have to go through life drug free and survive it, you need to learn to get over it and move forward, never dwell on things.

I am just so devastated. I don't even know where to begin and what to do, why is it me that has to feel like this? Do you even care that I feel like this ?

I just can't keep on doing this.

I want you to walk the path of evil free again like you used to be.

Where is my girl who loves me, adores me, cherishes me, would walk the ends of the earth with me, dote on me, care for me when I'm ill and shares the load with me.

Instead I have a girlfriend who accuses me of things, that only exist in your head, what happened to the girl I love.

Where did it go wrong, where did he go. Everything is so tense. You know I do, I do love you so very very much, I want you to get better, I want to go back to how we were.

I wish I could wake up and it was all just a bad dream.

Why do people do this to other people? What gives them the right to ruin people's lives, my life. I hate what this drug has done, what it has turned us into.

I do love you so very much, you're my world. Your smile lights up the dullest of rooms when you are you. Your whole face just smiles, it's the most gorgeous smile I know.

I'm in a constant battle, I don't even know who I am any more.

I deserve better from you. We had the potential for the real life love story, for a healthy happy family.

If you got help now, and stayed clean, would there would be hope for us?